Off Topic - New Rules: Bill Maher has to stop telling conservatives when they can or cannot roll their eyes. 
New Rules: Bill Maher has to stop telling conservatives when they can or cannot roll their eyes.
By Dennis E. Keizer
May 8, 2007

Last Friday HBO's Bill Maher gave us "his take" on why France is so good and America is so bad. One only needs to examine the transcript to see how much envy Mr. Bill has for France...

New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?"

What I can say, is that maybe the socialist government didn't feel it was in the best interest of France to "get on board" with the war in Iraq. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe they did it for economic reasons. Maybe they were afraid of what the reaction from their relatively large Muslim population might be.

And, yet, an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health care system than we do, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. "John Kerry? Couldn't vote for him; he looked French." Yeah, as opposed to the other guy who just looked stupid.

That's because most American politicians know that the American people aren't as stupid as leftist elites like Maher think they are. American voters understand that the French health care system comes with a high price. Taxes. We have a similar system to the north. Yet many Canadians who can afford their own medical care, come to the U.S. to get it. If socialized medicine was so good...well. As far as John Kerry goes, he lost because he looks to much like Herman Munster. Too Transylvanian, not too French.

Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!

Maybe the reason the voter turnout in the US is so low is because the American voters feel frustrated by both the left and the right. Maybe they feel like their vote doesn't matter any more. Maybe they know that both parties are controlled by special interest lobbies with deep pockets like George Soros and Rupert Murdock. Maybe they fear higher taxes from the extreme left. Maybe they fear corporate greed from the right. Maybe they're afraid to elect Democrats because the ones they have elected are more afraid of a mythical CO2 Boogey-Man that might kill us in a thousand years, than they are Muslim extremists that might kill us tomorrow. Maybe they're afraid to elect Republicans because the ones they have elected are spending like drunken sailors, not conservatives.

Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.

Ah, so maybe if Americans don't ask our candidates any questions on issues that the left considers "settled", we'll have a higher turnout; right.

The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!

Rather than debate this point, I simply wonder why Democrats are afraid of words like "liberal" and "socialist". Most Republicans I know are proud to be called "conservatives" or "federalists". In fact, during the Republican Presidential Debate last week, the candidates were all striving to be perceived as the most "conservative".

Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!

Married but lead separate lives? Like the Clintons? Well, we elected both of them, didn't we? As far as nude beaches are concerned, I think most people are OK with them. And as long as we don't allow six-year-olds on them, the Hollywood perverts on the left won't have anything to giggle at.

They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

Privacy? A term redefined by the U.S. Supreme Court. Privacy is good in America too, but not when it's used by radical judges to legislate from the bench. We have mistresses in America too. We just prefer to marry them.

Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music.

Have to agree there, but at least it's not as bad as Hip-Hop.

But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world.

For what the French pay in taxes, it damn well better be!

As is their poverty rate .

That depends on what you call poverty. Their unemployment rate is twice that of the U.S.

And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country.

That's because they use Nuclear Power. And so would we if the liberals here in U.S. would let us!

And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!

They have public idiots too. And we have Rosie.

They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?

True, but we invented soap on a rope and the electric razor and fortunately, our girls know how to use them.

So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you.

Most things huh? The only place where the French are righter than us, is on a map. But they did elect conservative Nicolas Sarkozy over socialist Segolene Royal, so at least they're moving in the "right" direction. This American applauds their decision. America wishes their new French leader the best, and looks forward to a renewed French-American friendship. Viva la France!

Dennis E. Keizer
Global Warming Hyperbole

Contact Dennis Keizer
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